Jess' Blog

I’ve always had a fascination with the concepts, philosophies, psychology and experiences of love. I’ve studied it, experimented with it and experienced it. It’s a journey; it has phases, challenges, benefits, twists, resolutions, and more! I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now and I don’t profess to have it all worked out at 2 years of marriage. I know Anthony and I still have a LOT to learn. But I find myself reflecting on my own journey of love with my husband Anthony. Notice I said ‘of love’ and not ‘in love’ – we’ll get to that soon. Looking back at the various experiences, there are so many situations where I think “I wish someone had told me that when...”
This article is for the single, dating, engaged or newly married. I hope this will be helpful to you - these are things I wish they’d told me.

Now, I know I’m going to challenge the romantic, idealistic perceptions about love many of you have – I was just like you! But here it is: there is a significant difference between being ‘in love’ and having ‘true love’. Falling ‘in love’ usually follows this pattern: we meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits appeal to us and we set in motion the process of getting to know them, we organise more ‘together’ experiences, we start getting this ‘warm, tingly feeling’, and before long it’s increased to the point where we say “I think I’m falling in love!” “At it’s peak, the ‘in love’ experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together...When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. Embracing stimulates dreams of marriage and ecstasy.” (Chapman, 1994, p. 29). Now, here is where I’m going to break some of your hearts – the eternality of the ‘in love’ experience is fiction, not fact. Now much of the literature and studies say that this dizzy exciting ‘in love’ experience usually lasts about 2 years. From my own personal experience I can confirm that is just about accurate. Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves. Gradually, the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behaviour patterns surface and we finally see who we really married. This is where we come to true love. Falling ‘in love’ is not true love because it is instinctual and effortless. True love actually requires work. True love is emotional in nature and not obsessional like the ‘in love’ phase. True love reunites reason and emotion. True love involves an act of will and requires discipline. True love recognises the need for personal growth. True love grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. True love cannot begin until the ‘in love’ experience has run its course.

We are often told to make a list of our ideal spouse, and then go out looking for him/her in the context of dating and social experiences. What they don’t tell you is: a) you need to be realistic not idealistic, b) it is subject to change and c) it’s a guide not a recipe. As I got to know Anthony before and during the early days of our short dating phase, I discovered he was almost everything I had ever wanted on my ‘my eternal companion’ list. He was my ideal man, according to my list. He eventually proposed, we married and 6 months later I found myself thinking ‘what happened?’ Why don’t you make us gourmet sandwiches in a picnic hamper and take me hiking through scenic Tasmania anymore? You see, we put our best foot forward when dating, and even when engaged, but not long after securing our mate in marriage, we gradually become complacent, comfortable and revert to who we really are – all of who we are. We leave our dirty socks on the floor, forget our parent-in-law’s birthdays, we burp and pop-off. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I feel more comfortable with Anthony now than I do with anyone! The point is: that list you were told to write, it’s not a good measure before marriage. Sure, pull it out a year after you’re married and work on it together. You might find it naive, humorous (Antho and I sure did!) and/or helpful. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a list. Before marriage, it’ll get you hanging out with a good crowd and dating people close to the ideal, but it shouldn’t be used as a prescriptive (e.g.: if he checks all the boxes, I’ll marry him).

I learned this lesson from my first ‘in love’ experience. He was always doing things for me, taking me places and we’d always have these amazing deep-and-meaningful conversations. I liked all those things and enjoyed my time with him, but I didn’t feel any ‘love’ until he held me in his arms, kissed me softly, put his arm around me, played with my hair, stroked my back, put a hand on my shoulder. Even when he said ‘I love you’ I didn’t feel it until we touched. Touch always spoke louder to me than words, time or gifts. For him, however, it was something else. It took me a while to learn that just because I want and show love through touch, doesn’t necessarily mean others want and show love in the same way. It is a lesson that has blessed my relationships with people. Dr Gary Chapman wrote a very successful and practical book on the matter: ‘The 5 Love Languages’. I recommend to any engaged or long-term dating couples to read and apply what is in this book. It will bless your relationship in amazing ways. Basically, the book explains that like oral language, there are many ‘languages’ of expressing love. “Your emotional love language and the language of your partner may be as different as Chinese from English” (Chapman, 1994, p. 15). After years of study and practice as a counsellor, Dr Chapman has concluded that “there is basically five emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand emotional love” (Chapman, 1994, p. 15)... I highly recommend reading this book!

Now, if you’re dating or engaged you’re probably cringing that you even read the word sex! Haha, you probably want to skip right past this... But please, read on!
Firstly, when you’re dating or engaged, monitor how much physical affection you give each other. It’s true what they say –one thing does lead to another! Naturally, physical affection serves the purpose of preparing the body for a sex. It involves emotional and physical preparation. Keep that in mind. When you touch each other, you’re starting something!
Secondly, to those who are engaged members of the church, don’t feel guilty. You’ve been told most of your life to abstain and that sex is a sin outside of the sanctity of marriage. Now, when you’re engaged, it will seem like your sexuality will be magnified and you’ll have a heightened desire to be intimate with each other. I’m here to tell you, that’s normal. Don’t feel guilty that you have those feelings. It is important, however, to make sure you don’t put yourself in compromising situations. You’ll want to be alone together, I know, but leave the bedroom door open, don’t park the car down the road from her house, if no-one is home go somewhere else!
Sex serves a wise purpose in marriage. It’s a very hushed topic in religious circles but you need to know the finer details about actually having sex. I encourage engaged couples to read together the book “And they were not ashamed”, by Laura M. Brotherson. It explains the nitty-gritty details about what is what and what to do with it, while also discussing the spiritual conflicts and common misconceptions of church members surrounding sex.
Thirdly, talk about it. When you’re engaged, talk about sex. Talk about it with mum or dad. Talk about it with your married mates. Ask questions, seek answers. The best piece of advice Anthony and I received was to talk about our expectations about sex before marrying. I said how often I expected to have it, he said what he thought, and we came to an agreement. We shared our perceptions about it and concerns about it with each other, we researched together and it was well worth doing. Find out about the emotions each other will experience, learn what an orgasm is, work out your own anatomy, assume you know nothing and you will find out some interesting things about yourself, the opposite gender and the wonderful experience of sex in marriage.