Jess' Blog

This was the cry of a woman whose husband had abandoned her. But how easily could this be the frustrated and broken-hearted cry of you or I? It could have been a friend, a relative, an acquaintance, a romantic partner, a childhood bully, it could’ve been anyone – but they hurt you and it’s haunted your life, possessed your actions and left you changed.

Forgiveness.

You've heard it before.
You know you should do it.

But what would you think and feel if asked, “What does it mean to forgive?” Would you respond, as I did, and remember that one person you still haven’t forgiven and the hurt they inflicted that you’ve never forgotten? When confronted with this question, I came to the realisation that I knew very little of forgiveness; what it is, why we should do it and more importantly, how to forgive.

Forgiveness is...

Most dictionaries define forgiveness as granting pardon and ceasing accusation, blame and feelings of resentment (Moore, 2005; Soukhanov, 1999).

But if it was that easy, why do we find it so difficult!?

I like the depth suggested in D&C 64:8 – 10; the Lord describes that forgiveness should be ‘in their hearts’ (v.8). The phrase ‘in their hearts’ has profound meaning. Forgiveness is not merely the act of ceasing feelings of resentment and thoughts of blame; it involves a process of purging negative feelings and thoughts of bitterness (Kimball, 2006).

Forgiveness is a miracle; a gift from our Saviour. “In a figurative sense, we wrap up all our frenzied emotions, confusion, anger, and sadness and drop that burden at the feet of the Saviour, at his request—in fact, at his command. We trust him completely to handle the whole thing in his perfect wisdom. We cease to be victims of someone’s sin or error, and we go on with other duties and joys of life, not looking back, not concerned anymore...” (My Journey to forgiving, 1997). “The essence … of forgiveness is that it brings peace to the previously anxious, restless, frustrated, perhaps tormented soul” (Samuelson, 2003).

Forgiveness is not...

Now I know what forgiveness is, I should probably define more clearly what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not an approval of, or submission to, others offenses and hurtful actions” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1998). Forgiveness should not be confused with tolerating evil (Sorenson, 2003). A physically abused woman who has forgiven the abuser does not, and indeed should not, submit herself to continued abuse. “Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions” (Sorenson, 2003).

Forgiveness is not impossible. Now I’m confident I’m not the first person who’s fallen into the misconception that the miraculous experience of overcoming years of bitterness only happens in the Ensign articles and the super-holy characters of the scriptures!
Well, I got a hypothetical slap in the face from Kimball (2006) when he said: "Apparently there are many who... hold the comfortable theory that the forgiving spirit … is more or less the monopoly of scriptural or fictional characters and can hardly be expected of practical people in today’s world. This is not the case". We can forgive - it might take time, it’s a process after all - but we can do it. And I’ll talk about how a little later...



Reading D&C 64: 9 – 10 it tells us that ‘he that forgiveth not his brother...there remaineth in him the greater sin’ (v. 9). When we refuse to forgive others, we can become filled with bitterness, anger, even hate and a desire for revenge. Sound like you’re still in the right here to you? I don’t think so! These feelings can cause us to lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost and make it more difficult for us to live other gospel principles. Also, if we refuse forgiveness we may be doing more harm to the offender by hindering their private repentance process. We need to forgive, else neither the offended nor the offender can move forwards.



I feel like God’s own personal joke sometimes when someone starts talking about the need to forgive others. No one ever says HOW to do that though. It’s so frustrating. Yes, I know I need to forgive the idiot who hurt me but I don’t know how! I do what it is required of me; pray, read the scriptures, go to church, keep the commandments, etc... But I’m still struggling to forgive! How do I do this thing called forgiveness!?
Well, I’ve been passionately exploring the HOW for some time now. Turns out there are some suggestions out there on how to forgive.

1. Don’t reflect, or dwell on your pains.
Look to the future, not the past. If you need time-out to overcome the past, do what you need to do, but leave the past in the past. “There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, ‘blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God’ (Matt. 5:9)" (Hinckley, 1991).

2. Act, don’t wait.
“A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required. Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other. Sometimes men get satisfactions from seeing the other party on his knees and grovelling in the dust, but that is not the gospel way... To be in the right we must forgive, and we must do so without regard to whether or not our antagonist repents, or how sincere is his transformation, or whether or not he asks our forgiveness” (Kimball, 2006).

3. Be charitable to the one who hurt you.
“..bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matt 5: 44). I want to break this down a little.
The first part: ‘bless them’. Think about the person who hurt you. They’re a person too, with needs, hopes and dreams. What do they need in their life right now? What blessing can you ask to be upon them? By focussing on what you can do for them, you initiate a process of forgetting your bitterness.
The next part: ‘do good to them’. Can you help them with their needs, hopes and dreams? I am assured that it is near impossible to resent someone when you’re focussed on nurturing the good in them; we’re assured to find forgiveness because ‘charity never faileth’ (Moroni 7:46).
And then: ‘pray for them’. Pray for them, not against them. Don’t pray vengeance, don’t pray they’ll finally recognise your hurt or confess or apologise. Pray for their welfare, pray for their happiness, pray for their benefit. As Heavenly Father hears and sees your genuine efforts to forgive, in His time, the ability to forgive will come.

4. Seek it and never give up.
"If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come” (Hinckley, 1991). “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in” (My Journey to Forgiving, 1997).

... Your friendship with the person who hurt you may not be the same again—even if you arrive at the point where you honestly can say you have forgiven [them]. The whole experience will probably change the relationship in some ways. If you feel [the person] will continue to do things that hurt you, the two of you may drift apart, even though you have managed to let go of your anger. On the other hand, your relationship may actually deepen if you face that problem and work through it together” (Q&A, 1989).
I’m still not at the point where I can say I’ve forgiven him... But at least now I’m aware of the nature of forgiveness, the frightening reasons for forgiveness and, most importantly, how to go about the process of forgiving.

In marriage and in life, there are many challenges. Moments that test our patience, moments that push our emotional limits, moments that make you want to scream naked down the street (or is that just me?)... And then there are those moments that catch our breath, fill us with overwhelming joy and gratitude, save our sanity, and renew our beliefs in all that is great and wonderful about love and life.

Well, recently I experienced a bit of both.

Friday, it was a VERY busy day at the end of another intensely stressful and frustrating week. I guess my body and mind couldn't take it any more and I began to burst at the seams... (This isn't the first time. This year has a been a pressure cooker of stress, frustration, anxiety and more stress. It's been sustained, exhausting and with little to no moments of relief. It's made a mess of me). I was sobbing uncontrollably, exhausted, frustrated and feeling hopeless, as I attempted to clean the neglected dishes piling up in our kitchen when two arms curled around my waist and a whisper saying "I'll do the dishes, hun". He'd already tidied up the lounge and begun washing the mountains of dirty clothes that had also been neglected.

But that wasn't even the best part...

He whisked me off to dinner at a favourite restaurant of mine, ELAIA (pic above)! Held my hand across the table and listened politely as I explained my frustrations. He pulled me close and wrapped his arm around me as we strolled in the night. He spoiled me with treats and then relaxed with me as I lay, rugged up, on our couch back at home. My worries and stresses melted away into the night and I was completely immersed in his company and feelings of gratitude, happiness, and peace.

This morning I woke up at my usual time (7am) to pee and it dawned on me all the responsibilities and work I had ahead of me today and felt a pang of disappointment and depression. I went back to bed. I didn't want to wake up again. Then sometime after 9am I heard a gentle voice, "Jess, are you awake? Time to wake up..." and felt the covers being pulled from my face. The first thing I saw when I opened my sleepy eyes: Anthony with a huge grin on his face. It's the best thing to see when I wake up; I can't help but smile too. He opened the curtains, told me to sit up and wait for a surprise... Can you guess what it was? Breakfast in bed! Yep, BBQ bacon, egg and cheese muffins with mango/orange juice. When I finally finished stuffing my face and asked what the occasion was, he just smiled and told me that he knew today was going to be a difficult one for me, so he wanted to make it a bit more bearable with a yummy start to the day.

I pretty much couldn't stop grinning.

I'm currently in a break between spouts of frustrating study, but the day seems so much more bearable because I have a wonderfully considerate (and way hot!) man who loves me enough to not only bear with patience my erratic emotional behaviour this year, but who does anything he can to support me and make my life that little bit more lovely.

Three cheers for loving husbands!