Jess' Blog

Hello bloggers and other blog-visitors,

Today I am going to share something very personal with you.

You should feel very privileged.

Why am I sharing it? Well, some things just don't deserve to be shoved under the bed...

Sometimes, the Lord sends His blessings in such a highly unusual, dramatic, or precisely timed manner that... it is as though the Lord "signs" the blessing personally so that we will know with certainty that it comes from Him.

(Gerald N. Lund).

For those of you who don't know, I'm going through a very challenging phase in my life. More than ever, I have cried and plead to God for mercy, relief and healing. At one point I found myself crying 'O God, where art thou?', feeling completely and utterly alone, painfully hopeless and in the deepest despair and agony. The next morning, I picked up my scriptures and was lead to a passage of scripture. 2 Kings 20: 1 - 5. I could totally relate to Hezekiah's thoughts and feelings, then came the tender mercy of the Lord in verse 5:

I have heard thy prayer, I have seen thy tears: behold, I will heal thee.

Words can't express how I felt as I read those words. For the first time in a long time I had hope. Hope. It was such a sweet feeling to finally have hope of healing, to finally feel like I was not alone, that He was listening and hearing, that he saw every single tear. I was so filled with emotion I nearly laughed out loud through my tears!

Then came the next tender mercy.

I was feeling lost. I finally had hope to heal, finally felt like I was stepping forward, but where am I going? What was I moving towards, what do I do know, where do I go, what path do I choose? Everything I knew before this challenging phase of life, I can't ever go back to again. My ambitions and goals. My sense of self, of who I was striving to be. All of it, I can never go back to again. My life has changed and I felt so confused and bewildered and lost. No one could understand enough to offer me help or guidance. Then once again the Lord whispered to me through the scriptures:

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you
(John 14:18)

.

And that's how this came about:

I am still learning to find my feet again. But at least now I have hope and no longer feel alone.

He hears my heartfelt prayers, sees every silent tear and offers His hand; for comfort, for guidance, for me.

Recently I have been really suffering... Really really suffering. And today was another rough day and I struggled through it, really struggled. Then arriving home late at night I am surprised by a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of paper and organic flowers carefully and thoughtfully packaged with moving note card addressed to me. I burst into tears as I read the message. Someone somewhere out there is thinking of me and cares enough to go to the effort to let me know in a touching way. I am really REALLY grateful for the angel responsible for this moment of relief and joy.

This was the cry of a woman whose husband had abandoned her. But how easily could this be the frustrated and broken-hearted cry of you or I? It could have been a friend, a relative, an acquaintance, a romantic partner, a childhood bully, it could’ve been anyone – but they hurt you and it’s haunted your life, possessed your actions and left you changed.

Forgiveness.

You've heard it before.
You know you should do it.

But what would you think and feel if asked, “What does it mean to forgive?” Would you respond, as I did, and remember that one person you still haven’t forgiven and the hurt they inflicted that you’ve never forgotten? When confronted with this question, I came to the realisation that I knew very little of forgiveness; what it is, why we should do it and more importantly, how to forgive.

Forgiveness is...

Most dictionaries define forgiveness as granting pardon and ceasing accusation, blame and feelings of resentment (Moore, 2005; Soukhanov, 1999).

But if it was that easy, why do we find it so difficult!?

I like the depth suggested in D&C 64:8 – 10; the Lord describes that forgiveness should be ‘in their hearts’ (v.8). The phrase ‘in their hearts’ has profound meaning. Forgiveness is not merely the act of ceasing feelings of resentment and thoughts of blame; it involves a process of purging negative feelings and thoughts of bitterness (Kimball, 2006).

Forgiveness is a miracle; a gift from our Saviour. “In a figurative sense, we wrap up all our frenzied emotions, confusion, anger, and sadness and drop that burden at the feet of the Saviour, at his request—in fact, at his command. We trust him completely to handle the whole thing in his perfect wisdom. We cease to be victims of someone’s sin or error, and we go on with other duties and joys of life, not looking back, not concerned anymore...” (My Journey to forgiving, 1997). “The essence … of forgiveness is that it brings peace to the previously anxious, restless, frustrated, perhaps tormented soul” (Samuelson, 2003).

Forgiveness is not...

Now I know what forgiveness is, I should probably define more clearly what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not an approval of, or submission to, others offenses and hurtful actions” (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 1998). Forgiveness should not be confused with tolerating evil (Sorenson, 2003). A physically abused woman who has forgiven the abuser does not, and indeed should not, submit herself to continued abuse. “Forgiveness does not require us to accept or tolerate evil. It does not require us to ignore the wrong that we see in the world around us or in our own lives. But as we fight against sin, we must not allow hatred or anger to control our thoughts or actions” (Sorenson, 2003).

Forgiveness is not impossible. Now I’m confident I’m not the first person who’s fallen into the misconception that the miraculous experience of overcoming years of bitterness only happens in the Ensign articles and the super-holy characters of the scriptures!
Well, I got a hypothetical slap in the face from Kimball (2006) when he said: "Apparently there are many who... hold the comfortable theory that the forgiving spirit … is more or less the monopoly of scriptural or fictional characters and can hardly be expected of practical people in today’s world. This is not the case". We can forgive - it might take time, it’s a process after all - but we can do it. And I’ll talk about how a little later...



Reading D&C 64: 9 – 10 it tells us that ‘he that forgiveth not his brother...there remaineth in him the greater sin’ (v. 9). When we refuse to forgive others, we can become filled with bitterness, anger, even hate and a desire for revenge. Sound like you’re still in the right here to you? I don’t think so! These feelings can cause us to lose the companionship of the Holy Ghost and make it more difficult for us to live other gospel principles. Also, if we refuse forgiveness we may be doing more harm to the offender by hindering their private repentance process. We need to forgive, else neither the offended nor the offender can move forwards.



I feel like God’s own personal joke sometimes when someone starts talking about the need to forgive others. No one ever says HOW to do that though. It’s so frustrating. Yes, I know I need to forgive the idiot who hurt me but I don’t know how! I do what it is required of me; pray, read the scriptures, go to church, keep the commandments, etc... But I’m still struggling to forgive! How do I do this thing called forgiveness!?
Well, I’ve been passionately exploring the HOW for some time now. Turns out there are some suggestions out there on how to forgive.

1. Don’t reflect, or dwell on your pains.
Look to the future, not the past. If you need time-out to overcome the past, do what you need to do, but leave the past in the past. “There is no peace in reflecting on the pain of old wounds. There is peace only in repentance and forgiveness. This is the sweet peace of the Christ, who said, ‘blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God’ (Matt. 5:9)" (Hinckley, 1991).

2. Act, don’t wait.
“A common error is the idea that the offender must apologize and humble himself to the dust before forgiveness is required. Certainly, the one who does the injury should totally make his adjustment, but as for the offended one, he must forgive the offender regardless of the attitude of the other. Sometimes men get satisfactions from seeing the other party on his knees and grovelling in the dust, but that is not the gospel way... To be in the right we must forgive, and we must do so without regard to whether or not our antagonist repents, or how sincere is his transformation, or whether or not he asks our forgiveness” (Kimball, 2006).

3. Be charitable to the one who hurt you.
“..bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matt 5: 44). I want to break this down a little.
The first part: ‘bless them’. Think about the person who hurt you. They’re a person too, with needs, hopes and dreams. What do they need in their life right now? What blessing can you ask to be upon them? By focussing on what you can do for them, you initiate a process of forgetting your bitterness.
The next part: ‘do good to them’. Can you help them with their needs, hopes and dreams? I am assured that it is near impossible to resent someone when you’re focussed on nurturing the good in them; we’re assured to find forgiveness because ‘charity never faileth’ (Moroni 7:46).
And then: ‘pray for them’. Pray for them, not against them. Don’t pray vengeance, don’t pray they’ll finally recognise your hurt or confess or apologise. Pray for their welfare, pray for their happiness, pray for their benefit. As Heavenly Father hears and sees your genuine efforts to forgive, in His time, the ability to forgive will come.

4. Seek it and never give up.
"If there be any who nurture in their hearts the poisonous brew of enmity toward another, I plead with you to ask the Lord for strength to forgive. This expression of desire will be of the very substance of your repentance. It may not be easy, and it may not come quickly. But if you will seek it with sincerity and cultivate it, it will come” (Hinckley, 1991). “Keep a place in your heart for forgiveness, and when it comes, welcome it in” (My Journey to Forgiving, 1997).

... Your friendship with the person who hurt you may not be the same again—even if you arrive at the point where you honestly can say you have forgiven [them]. The whole experience will probably change the relationship in some ways. If you feel [the person] will continue to do things that hurt you, the two of you may drift apart, even though you have managed to let go of your anger. On the other hand, your relationship may actually deepen if you face that problem and work through it together” (Q&A, 1989).
I’m still not at the point where I can say I’ve forgiven him... But at least now I’m aware of the nature of forgiveness, the frightening reasons for forgiveness and, most importantly, how to go about the process of forgiving.

In marriage and in life, there are many challenges. Moments that test our patience, moments that push our emotional limits, moments that make you want to scream naked down the street (or is that just me?)... And then there are those moments that catch our breath, fill us with overwhelming joy and gratitude, save our sanity, and renew our beliefs in all that is great and wonderful about love and life.

Well, recently I experienced a bit of both.

Friday, it was a VERY busy day at the end of another intensely stressful and frustrating week. I guess my body and mind couldn't take it any more and I began to burst at the seams... (This isn't the first time. This year has a been a pressure cooker of stress, frustration, anxiety and more stress. It's been sustained, exhausting and with little to no moments of relief. It's made a mess of me). I was sobbing uncontrollably, exhausted, frustrated and feeling hopeless, as I attempted to clean the neglected dishes piling up in our kitchen when two arms curled around my waist and a whisper saying "I'll do the dishes, hun". He'd already tidied up the lounge and begun washing the mountains of dirty clothes that had also been neglected.

But that wasn't even the best part...

He whisked me off to dinner at a favourite restaurant of mine, ELAIA (pic above)! Held my hand across the table and listened politely as I explained my frustrations. He pulled me close and wrapped his arm around me as we strolled in the night. He spoiled me with treats and then relaxed with me as I lay, rugged up, on our couch back at home. My worries and stresses melted away into the night and I was completely immersed in his company and feelings of gratitude, happiness, and peace.

This morning I woke up at my usual time (7am) to pee and it dawned on me all the responsibilities and work I had ahead of me today and felt a pang of disappointment and depression. I went back to bed. I didn't want to wake up again. Then sometime after 9am I heard a gentle voice, "Jess, are you awake? Time to wake up..." and felt the covers being pulled from my face. The first thing I saw when I opened my sleepy eyes: Anthony with a huge grin on his face. It's the best thing to see when I wake up; I can't help but smile too. He opened the curtains, told me to sit up and wait for a surprise... Can you guess what it was? Breakfast in bed! Yep, BBQ bacon, egg and cheese muffins with mango/orange juice. When I finally finished stuffing my face and asked what the occasion was, he just smiled and told me that he knew today was going to be a difficult one for me, so he wanted to make it a bit more bearable with a yummy start to the day.

I pretty much couldn't stop grinning.

I'm currently in a break between spouts of frustrating study, but the day seems so much more bearable because I have a wonderfully considerate (and way hot!) man who loves me enough to not only bear with patience my erratic emotional behaviour this year, but who does anything he can to support me and make my life that little bit more lovely.

Three cheers for loving husbands!

Dear Friend,

I miss you.

We don't talk any more, we don't hang out any more.

I still care about you, even though you seem indifferent towards me.

Often I think you've taken for granted all I did for you.

Often I think you've forgotten me altogether.

But sometimes I think maybe one day your eyes will be opened. You'll remember all I did for you and be filled with gratitude. You'll see that I accepted all of who you are, saw the real you, and loved you still. You'll value me, as I value you, and finally see me, for who I am, and love me too.

Until that day, if ever it comes, this is me letting you know...

if ever you need a devoted, sincere friend...

i'll be here.

Your ever loyal and faithful friend,

Jess.

I’ve always had a fascination with the concepts, philosophies, psychology and experiences of love. I’ve studied it, experimented with it and experienced it. It’s a journey; it has phases, challenges, benefits, twists, resolutions, and more! I’ve been married for a little over 2 years now and I don’t profess to have it all worked out at 2 years of marriage. I know Anthony and I still have a LOT to learn. But I find myself reflecting on my own journey of love with my husband Anthony. Notice I said ‘of love’ and not ‘in love’ – we’ll get to that soon. Looking back at the various experiences, there are so many situations where I think “I wish someone had told me that when...”
This article is for the single, dating, engaged or newly married. I hope this will be helpful to you - these are things I wish they’d told me.

Now, I know I’m going to challenge the romantic, idealistic perceptions about love many of you have – I was just like you! But here it is: there is a significant difference between being ‘in love’ and having ‘true love’. Falling ‘in love’ usually follows this pattern: we meet someone whose physical characteristics and personality traits appeal to us and we set in motion the process of getting to know them, we organise more ‘together’ experiences, we start getting this ‘warm, tingly feeling’, and before long it’s increased to the point where we say “I think I’m falling in love!” “At it’s peak, the ‘in love’ experience is euphoric. We are emotionally obsessed with each other. We go to sleep thinking of one another. When we rise that person is the first thought on our minds. We long to be together...When we hold hands, it seems as if our blood flows together. We could kiss forever if we didn’t have to go to school or work. Embracing stimulates dreams of marriage and ecstasy.” (Chapman, 1994, p. 29). Now, here is where I’m going to break some of your hearts – the eternality of the ‘in love’ experience is fiction, not fact. Now much of the literature and studies say that this dizzy exciting ‘in love’ experience usually lasts about 2 years. From my own personal experience I can confirm that is just about accurate. Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course, we return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves. Gradually, the individual desires, emotions, thoughts, and behaviour patterns surface and we finally see who we really married. This is where we come to true love. Falling ‘in love’ is not true love because it is instinctual and effortless. True love actually requires work. True love is emotional in nature and not obsessional like the ‘in love’ phase. True love reunites reason and emotion. True love involves an act of will and requires discipline. True love recognises the need for personal growth. True love grows out of reason and choice, not instinct. True love cannot begin until the ‘in love’ experience has run its course.

We are often told to make a list of our ideal spouse, and then go out looking for him/her in the context of dating and social experiences. What they don’t tell you is: a) you need to be realistic not idealistic, b) it is subject to change and c) it’s a guide not a recipe. As I got to know Anthony before and during the early days of our short dating phase, I discovered he was almost everything I had ever wanted on my ‘my eternal companion’ list. He was my ideal man, according to my list. He eventually proposed, we married and 6 months later I found myself thinking ‘what happened?’ Why don’t you make us gourmet sandwiches in a picnic hamper and take me hiking through scenic Tasmania anymore? You see, we put our best foot forward when dating, and even when engaged, but not long after securing our mate in marriage, we gradually become complacent, comfortable and revert to who we really are – all of who we are. We leave our dirty socks on the floor, forget our parent-in-law’s birthdays, we burp and pop-off. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I feel more comfortable with Anthony now than I do with anyone! The point is: that list you were told to write, it’s not a good measure before marriage. Sure, pull it out a year after you’re married and work on it together. You might find it naive, humorous (Antho and I sure did!) and/or helpful. Now I’m not saying you shouldn’t have a list. Before marriage, it’ll get you hanging out with a good crowd and dating people close to the ideal, but it shouldn’t be used as a prescriptive (e.g.: if he checks all the boxes, I’ll marry him).

I learned this lesson from my first ‘in love’ experience. He was always doing things for me, taking me places and we’d always have these amazing deep-and-meaningful conversations. I liked all those things and enjoyed my time with him, but I didn’t feel any ‘love’ until he held me in his arms, kissed me softly, put his arm around me, played with my hair, stroked my back, put a hand on my shoulder. Even when he said ‘I love you’ I didn’t feel it until we touched. Touch always spoke louder to me than words, time or gifts. For him, however, it was something else. It took me a while to learn that just because I want and show love through touch, doesn’t necessarily mean others want and show love in the same way. It is a lesson that has blessed my relationships with people. Dr Gary Chapman wrote a very successful and practical book on the matter: ‘The 5 Love Languages’. I recommend to any engaged or long-term dating couples to read and apply what is in this book. It will bless your relationship in amazing ways. Basically, the book explains that like oral language, there are many ‘languages’ of expressing love. “Your emotional love language and the language of your partner may be as different as Chinese from English” (Chapman, 1994, p. 15). After years of study and practice as a counsellor, Dr Chapman has concluded that “there is basically five emotional love languages – five ways that people speak and understand emotional love” (Chapman, 1994, p. 15)... I highly recommend reading this book!

Now, if you’re dating or engaged you’re probably cringing that you even read the word sex! Haha, you probably want to skip right past this... But please, read on!
Firstly, when you’re dating or engaged, monitor how much physical affection you give each other. It’s true what they say –one thing does lead to another! Naturally, physical affection serves the purpose of preparing the body for a sex. It involves emotional and physical preparation. Keep that in mind. When you touch each other, you’re starting something!
Secondly, to those who are engaged members of the church, don’t feel guilty. You’ve been told most of your life to abstain and that sex is a sin outside of the sanctity of marriage. Now, when you’re engaged, it will seem like your sexuality will be magnified and you’ll have a heightened desire to be intimate with each other. I’m here to tell you, that’s normal. Don’t feel guilty that you have those feelings. It is important, however, to make sure you don’t put yourself in compromising situations. You’ll want to be alone together, I know, but leave the bedroom door open, don’t park the car down the road from her house, if no-one is home go somewhere else!
Sex serves a wise purpose in marriage. It’s a very hushed topic in religious circles but you need to know the finer details about actually having sex. I encourage engaged couples to read together the book “And they were not ashamed”, by Laura M. Brotherson. It explains the nitty-gritty details about what is what and what to do with it, while also discussing the spiritual conflicts and common misconceptions of church members surrounding sex.
Thirdly, talk about it. When you’re engaged, talk about sex. Talk about it with mum or dad. Talk about it with your married mates. Ask questions, seek answers. The best piece of advice Anthony and I received was to talk about our expectations about sex before marrying. I said how often I expected to have it, he said what he thought, and we came to an agreement. We shared our perceptions about it and concerns about it with each other, we researched together and it was well worth doing. Find out about the emotions each other will experience, learn what an orgasm is, work out your own anatomy, assume you know nothing and you will find out some interesting things about yourself, the opposite gender and the wonderful experience of sex in marriage.

Okay!

So I have been living it up over the last 2 weeks or so and it has been AWESOME!

Emily & Aaron Gilligan took Anthony and I on some adventures, Ella & I got into some messy mischief, and Bek & the cousins came down for a visit... and so did some snow!

Wanna know what happened? Click on the links ;)

Adventures with the Gilligans

Messy Mischief

Snow Trip!

First item of business... BEKAH IS BACK!

After a semester of study at Adelaide University, my darling sister Bek has returned home for a visit. To add to the excitement, she brought with her our much loved QLD cousins Amber-lee and Adam Woolley!

We had a lot of late nights and a lot of laughs!

But the highlight was by far the snow trip!

On Sunday, in Deloraine, it snowed! Like fluffy white freezing snow. So on Monday 11th July, we went up to the Great Lakes to see the snow.

On the way up we came across this:

As we got closer to the top, we cautiously drove over snow covered road...

But at only 400m from the lakes we HAD to stop because of this:

[Yes, that is thick ice covering that road!]

We didn't have snow chains and we were in a front-wheel drive. We weren't even going to attempt driving on THAT!

So we parked and began the fun!

Of course there were snow ball fights...

...and full blow assaults...!

We walked about 200m up the very icy road to venture to the lookout... THAT was an adventure in itself!

[First we had to walk through canopies of bush]

[And you never know when those canopies will shower you in snow!]

[Then we had to climb VERY slippery stairs]

[But we finally made it to the top of the lookout!]

[and we also found some yellow snow up there... And yes, that really is pee!]

Speaking of coloured snow... We also had a great time making REAL snow cones!

And, naturally, we did TONS of slipping and sliding down the thickly iced road:

And, there was some people-taboganning!

So much funny stuff happened, but I really couldn't blog it all (takes waaaaay too long!)

All in all, we had an awesome day!

Most Friday's, I spend the morning babysitting my utterly adorable cousin Luci while her Mum and big sister Ella go to Pre-Kinder.

When Ella and Aunty Bin came home, I kidnapped Ella and whisked her away to aid me in some mischief and fun!

We went to Maccas for lunch (what kid doesn't like Maccas!?), played with Anthony in the park, then... we got messy! Here's what we got up to:

[Ella LOVED cleaning her hands in the puddle...and her shoes...and her knees...and her shirt...]

[The end product. Ella painted her name all by herself! Which is probably why the L's have come first :P ]

[Ella is spacking with excitement - hence the crazy face!]

We had sooooooo much fun! Thank you Aunty Bin for letting me kidnap your daughter and play the day away!

Since Anthony & I got married we've started a young married couples get together thing. However, we started with 3-4 couples and are now down to the Gilligans and us. We miss the Weedens and the Taylors very much! So our young marrieds get togethers happen probably once every 1 or 2 months during school semesters and then much more regularly during the holidays.

The holidays are great.

No doubt.

But the holidays are AWESOME when you have friends like these:

That's Emily & Aaron Gilligan.

Emily is my cousin, but since being married, we consider the Gilligans in higher regard - close friends.

So because we were all on holidays, the Gilligans took us on some fun adventures!

On one day we decided to road trip it to a beach (Sanky Beach near Hawley) and randomly play Sardines amongst the rocks!

[Hehe, that's me hiding under a big rock!]

The highlight of the day for sure was Emily's outfit! Why? See for yourself:

On the way home, we stopped in at Ashgrove Cheese Farm (so Aaron and I could get our cheese fix), where they were having a 2 for 1 sale! Booyah! We had some sleepy time when we returned to Launceston, then met up again for dinner and games at our place.

It was a great day.

Our next adventure was quite spontaneous! We went on an road-trip-overnighter to HOBART!

On the trip down we had quite a few laughs out of Ice-Breaker cards (like conversation starters)! Once we arrived in Hobart we didn't even stop until we arrived at Lipscombe Larder in Sandy Bay. Emily just HAD to get a choc-raspberry mud cake from this one store (but we were glad she did, it was delicious!)

We had planned on the trip down to eat at Hogs Breath for dinner... However, when we called up we got a devastating message - CLOSED! Closed due to "kitchen problems". Whatever that means. So we ended up dining at La Porchetta. We all underestimated the sizes of the dishes and were VERY full by the end of dinner!

But we still had room for cake. There's always room for cake! :D

We played a card game which we named 'Trump' (because no-one seems to know what it is actually called) and scrabble before we got all silly from tiredness and called it a night.

The following day we went to Eastlands for some retail therapy.

Then came the highlight of the trip... MONA!

Don't know what that is? Click here.

Explaining it is pretty much impossible. You really do have to experience it for yourself to truly understand.

Emily and I were trying to put it into words. We came up with: fascinating, unique and disturbing.

[This was one of my favourites. The lights flickered at the same rate as your heart beat. it measures your pulse and blinks at the same rate. I had alot of fun running from one end of the room to see how fast i could make the lights go and it worked!]

Our favourite I think would have had to have been the water feature as you first enter the lowest floor of MONA:

Before leaving Hobart, we made a quick lunch stop at MacDonalds then hit the road!

As we travelled through the midlands, we found a winter wonderland of SNOW! We were snowed on!

And that, my friends, are just some of the adventures of the Gilligans & Wheelers!

The end.